Wish I'da known

It’s almost the end of my first year teaching. Am I glad I came to Mississippi? Yes and No. I feel like I came here for good reasons, and I’ve learned a lot – not just about me, but – maybe more importantly – about other people as well. I had a lot of really difficult times this year and a lot of moments where I seriously contemplated just quitting and doing something new. I am glad that I stuck it out, and I am glad that I am staying next year – although, I am moving from the Delta to Jackson, which some may argue against. Do I wish I had done anything differently? The happy little trooper in me says “no, I am thankful for every hard lesson learned.” However, truth-be-told, the trooper can go to hell. Here’s what I would’ve liked to have known before I came here: Teaching, at least your first year teaching, is a lonely life. I acknowledge that I am not the most outgoing person, but I enjoy being around people. Being a work-a-holic, straight out of a college course environment, wanting to do my very best – all of my time was spent on planning for my students, unpacking, planning, grading, planning, and sleeping . . . did I mention planning?!! I pulled more all-nighters this year than my four years of college combined. It was ridiculous. I had no time to finish what I wanted to finish for my lesson planning, my weekends were dedicated to Oxford work, and anytime allowed for myself (which is NEVER during a weekday) was mainly dedicated to mindless T.V. or reading. I was lucky enough to have a significant other living in Mississippi to spend time with some weekends – but even so, I was exhausted and not the social animal I once was. In short, for the past 9 months – teaching, and nothing else, has been my life. And it usually wasn’t the fun, passionate, making a difference in the lives of others type of teaching; it was the I-will-tear-the-skin-off-of-my-face-and-eat-it-if-you-will-just-complete-one-task-without-interuption type of teaching (not to say that I am not making a difference, but it really requires me stepping outside of myself to see that difference).

Some people in the teacher corps would argue that anyone pulling an all-nighter, or dedicating their life to lesson planning is doing something wrong. Maybe they’re right. I’ve certainly calmed down on the planning since then, and I don’t think I’ve staid up all night since before Christmas break. My reasons for slowing my work-drive, though, are not the most reasonable. I’ve found that the time and effort I put into planning is wasted on school-assemblies, unorganized administration, inclusion teachers who are more of a classroom management problem than my students, and hundreds of other little annoyances and interruptions in what should be a routine and professional learning environment. I suppose that before applying to the Mississippi Teacher Corp it had occurred to me that things in the public schools here might be a little backwards and difficult. But now that I’m here… C’MON!!! Backwards isn’t even the right word: F*#KED UP is really the only term that comes to mind. Plus, I’m beginning to feel like it isn’t even the schools we’re placed in, but public schools that span the nation (not ALL, but some) seem to be in this crazy crisis, and I don’t even know where a district, a state, or even a nation begins to change this. I feel so helpless in my position, and had I known that I would feel this helpless, I am not sure I would have chosen it as my initial career path.

That being said, I love my students, I love the Delta, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part (even a helpless part) of something important.